Are you a People Pleaser?

I will start off with there is nothing wrong with people pleasing so long as your are able to say no when needed, and have the ability to put your own needs first. It feels good to make others feel good, when it no longer feels good and you are putting your own values and needs below that of others is when it becomes a problem.

I have been afflicted with this many times and I am working at trying to get control of my life, and I have a wonderful man in my life to help me with the progress. This was not so when we first met, I wanted to make him so happy and make extravagant gestures and unforgettable memories. I did this at the cost of my personal needs, every time he was here for a weekend I would make sure I got new lingerie, I would take us out to dinner at places more than I could afford, and one time I even got a themed room at a hotel and went all out and got all these things to make the night special (I will not go into how much that cost) and have a little adventure. Meanwhile I was stressing on how I was going to pay for all of this stuff, I didn't think about that I just wanted to make him happy and I was putting myself in financial danger while doing so. When now I know that he would have been happy doing anything, just as long as he was spending time with me, not that he didn't like the things we did.

People pleasing has also been a problem with me in other areas, I have a hard time when people ask me for a favor, or sometimes I even feel guilty saying no, this is especially the case at work. I go to school full-time and I have been working, and just closed on a house so I am trying to get that organized as well. This summer I have been volunteering as a research assistant in a lab and I said that I would be available from 8-10am Monday thru Friday, well I have come in after work, I have been there all day on weekends when I should be working on other things but it's because I can't say no.

In "Field Guide to the People-Pleaser: May I Serve as Your Doormat?" it discusses how people may have picked up this trait in childhood. I know growing up I had half brothers and sisters so I was always fighting for the attention of my father. I was treated differently because I was not his child, the man raised me since I was two but that is a whole other. Anyway growing up I would try to be the best at everything, and do things he liked but it didn't work so I would keep trying harder. I did this all the way up until I moved out of the house at the age of 19, and the trait stayed with me. I would do favors for people, I would bend over backwards for people and everyone that meets me thinks "I'm the nicest person" but inside I'm angry and frustrated that I have become the go to guy for everything, although since I have started this job it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.

I heard be more assertive, and being assertive is a good quality, I have tried that hat on too and people don't seem to like those that give their opinions freely and say no. Before I was able to go to school full-time I worked at another company (doing payroll), here I had a more assertive personality and it cost me a lot. I gave my opinion on a new policy that was being implemented that would not be convenient to some of our employees in another state, and immediately an email went out saying that anyone that has an issue with this new policy is part of the problem and the past. This happened during performance reviews and needless to say mine was horrible, when just 4 months prior it was outstanding and I received a nice raise. After this had happened work just got worse, and eventually they pushed my buttons so hard I quit.

This is a 3 part series on parent-pleasing to people-pleasing it contains information on the characteristics of people pleasing, and how to stray away from those habits and work on pleasing yourself:
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/from-parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-the-journey-away-self-and-the-wa
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/from-parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-the-journey-away-self-and-the-w-0
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/from-parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-the-journey-away-self-and-the-w-1


Writing this blog has been wonderful and lets me express MY views and opinions....I think today I am going to go home make what I want for dinner and then lay in bed for 15 mins while listening to some relaxing music as a special treat to myself and to get away

what are you going to do??